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Howdy

Howdy, my (hopefully) many new friends.

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I won’t tell you how old I am, a new privilege of my new gender, but I have lived like most of you on both sides of a long picket fence, painted white and frequently resharpened. It won’t be news to most of you that nothing ever seemed to fit, not my clothes, not my toys, not my body, not my mind. Still don’t, those things. But better. Am I happier now? I would say yes, but I have been inherently female long enough to know that happiness is beside the point. Ours is a life of small, and sometimes huge, satisfactions. They liked the brownies, he called when he said he would, the baby was born healthy(!), that woman at the PTA held her tongue for once, and I wasn’t embarrassed parking downtown for once. For once. We use that term a lot, don’t we? Our lives are made up of little things, which is also true of men. They just don’t know that little things are little or that they can mean the whole world in the morning light. These are the kinds of things I want to talk about with you all, to
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Official Apology Department

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  Libeled Statesman Rep. Adam Schiff (D, CA) An official determination has been made by the Independent Fact Checkers of the Meta Stasis Corp. that an insinuation about ties between Rep. Schiff and deceased pedophile Jeffrey Epstein is FALSE. Should have known it was all hooey when they said it was the FBI that was investigating the congressman’s emails. As John Wayne would say, “That’ll be the day.” We hereby officially apologize for having tried to pass on the tweet posted by one or more nefarious reputation vandals, who should also be officially identified by said Fact Checkers so they can be doxed and SWATTED at their private residences and places of employment. This tweet:  Are we clear? Here’s the real truth about the impeccable personal life of Rep. Schiff, courtesy of Wikipedia: You can see a moment of the man’s perfect marriage captured photographically right before your eyes. And who but a manly-type manly man could compete in marathons and like that? Where could he possibly
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Why I’m the Best Writer and You’re Not.

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  Called Babez Station at Shuteye Town. Click your way to heaven. Funny. I’ve been accused my whole writing life of being a misogynist. Never was. Never occurred to me my true state was relevant to the body politic. Which it most definitely now is. Flaubert would know what I was talking about. And Tolstoy. And Shakespeare, Chaucer, and Shelley. Writers like us are wholly male with a wholly female persona living within us. We are both. Like Adam, who lost a rib over it to the detriment of a great many men since.  Haven’t seen this in the proliferating gender diagrams. But we’re the only ones who actually understand the foolish notions that are being perpetuated. Why we understand a lot of things no one else does. Like the LGBTQ+ thing. Child’s play. Harmless for years, now murderous. Yes, there’s a woman in me. Why I’m posting about this here. My sexuality has been affected by the culture at large. But more importantly, by my dual nature. As a man I am completely heterosexual. I have a
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My Feminine Side, Musically

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This image-editing business ain’t easy… Could be you’re following up on my announcement that I am THE FIRST ALL-GENDER PERSON IDENTIFYING AS HUMAN on Earth. I know it’s a shock there could be such a person still living and breathing without a paper bag fending off hyperventilating at the thought of being merely human. Why I have prepared this set of songs that will definitely calm your little fluttering hearts and remember the wombyn within. Cranberries, “Linger” Cowboy Junkies, “Sweet Jane” Ellen Foley, “Don’t Let Go” Yang Huang, “Un Bel Di” Hazel Dickens, “A Few Old Memories” Janel Drewis,“In the Pines” Jazzy Star, “Fade into You” Nina Simone, “Black Is the Color of my True Love’s Hair” Piaf, “Ne Me Quitte Pas” Clannad, “Harry’s Game” Harry’s Game has always been my game, from both sides of the gender aisle.
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My Masculine Side, Musically

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My Meaner Half No Stones, no GNR, no Tom Waits, no Artie Shaw, no Sinatra. No testosterone? Hardly. What’s the other side of implication? AC/DC, “It’s a Long Way to the Top” Placido Domingo, “Pagliacci” Motörhead, “1916” The Kinks,“Celluloid Heroes” Van Morrison, “Comfortably Numb” Canned Heat, “Going Up the Country” Joe Cocker, “When the Night Comes” Peter Gabriel, “Red Rain” The Doors, “L.A. Woman” Ella Fitzgerald, “The Man I Love” The other side of implication is inference. And I couldn’t ever do a list like this without a painting by Edward Hopper.   
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I am your new Czar

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Sueur de Colique There is a troubling ailment that we, in the home of my troupe, call Variole du Singe, more   vulgarly known in your language as the Monkeypox. I am the omniscient expert whom your President has engaged to tell all those of you who are at risk what to do. My new boss. I used to call him ‘Ma Petite Josephine.’ Jamais plus Do not worry yourselves unduly. There will be only one, how you say, Mandate, which will be explained to you at the end of these instructions. Most of my directives concern matters of diet, daily routine, cleanliness, and grooming, all designed to enhance your joie de vivre. And so we begin our little manual of steps toward continued health. Always get a good night’s sleep. Arise at a well chosen but regular hour each day. When you awaken in the morning, you must restart your heart with the “Triple Crown Beverages.” Then your shower. Be thorough. Next, breakfast, the most important meal of the day. The oyster omelette makes for an impeccable start. Plu
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Wymyn Swymmyn’

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This is where I’m supposed to weigh in on the swimmers of Penn. As it happens, I have all the necessary background to do exactly that. Ten members of my family, including my father and and his father, went to the University of Pennsylvania. Also, I went to Mercersburg Academy, a very serious swimming school. When I was a freshman at the Academy, we had two champion swimmers, both of whom went to Harvard. One became the captain of the Harvard swimming team. The other slept with a Kennedy girl. He went on to become a VP of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. He was dumb as a fucking post and built like a brick shithouse. Could any woman anywhere, ever, beat him in a 50 meter freestyle sprint? No. Not a chance. Credentials for comment? Yeah. If there is any sport in the world where women are at a permanent disadvantage, it’s swimming. I kid you not. Well, there’s also all the track and field events, tennis, hockey, basketball, football, baseball, bicycling, and soccer. But swimming is where it
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The Black Marque

  The Zig Zag Machine.
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